first day jitters.

It's been (at least) a month since my last blog posting. Apparently I needed a break. Or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a weekly blogger. I guess time will tell. Regardless, I'm back (for now) and gearing up for my first day of school tomorrow.

Walking across campus this morning, I was thinking about how many first days of school I've had in my life. And good Lord, it turns out that this is my 23rd first day of school. So you'd think after 22 tries I'd be really good at this, right? You know, cool as a cucumber... totally "in my element" or something. But sadly, this is not the case. Turns out I still get the first day jitters. I still have nightmares about showing up without a shirt on (hello!) or forgetting to go to class for an entire quarter and not realizing it until the day before finals and then trying to do all the make-up work in one night (ridiculous much?). And I still (consciously) worry about being late or saying stupid stuff or not making the best first impression.

But, as my father-in-law reminded me this summer, all the worrying in the world won't help a bit... and in my case, won't change the inevitable. :) Because I will likely be late to a class or two... I will undoubtedly make jokes in class that nobody gets (and awkwardly laugh at them)... and when meeting new people I will, without fail, ramble & then apologize for rambling, making first impressions pretty hit or miss. BUT, and thank goodness for buts, in the grand scheme of things, I realize these are pretty small infractions. We can't be perfect and it's about time we (ok, I) stop wasting mental energy thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Because, as Mr. Grady likes to remind me, plenty of stuff will go right.

Surprisingly, graduate school is gradually helping me let go of some of these anxieties. Being in an environment where there's always someone smarter or more articulate or a harder worker than you is not just humbling, it makes you realize real quick that if you spend all your time dwelling on your shortcomings, you won't have time to write your dissertation (unless your dissertation is on your weaknesses, which would be terribly depressing). To make it through these next two years I'm realizing that I will have to take it easy on myself and trust that everyday I'm getting (at least a little) better at what I do, and that if my heart & head are in the right place, good things will follow.

So there's my little pep talk for myself. Tomorrow morning I will make my official debut as PhD student and Teaching Assistant for the School Psychology program (holy crap). And instead of losing sleep tonight over these big shoes to fill, I'll try to think instead about the awesome faculty that (for some reason) think I can do this and how I have a fantastic partner-in-crime (Mr. Grady) to come home to at the end of the day who will, without fail, laugh at all my lame jokes.

Plus, I'm planning to bring donuts for everyone, which should score me some BIG first impression points. :)